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segunda-feira, 28 de outubro de 2013

Turns


I'm gonna write this in english because I feel like doing so.
Today is a strange day. I kinda felt I was going to be laid off - I feel that often, but today was worse. The thing is, I don't wanna work here anymore, and I know this for awhile, and I didn't know why this made me sad.
I've been thinking a lot of the implications of this lack of satisfaction that haunts me for years now. If I am to be honest, I feel like leaving this place since day one here, but I couldn't, obviously, since I support my mom and I, and obviously I need my income.
But that got me thinking: if I am SO unhappy, why can't I change?
First problem was obvious: I knew what I didn't want, but didn't know what I, in fact, do want. Well, now I know - from the looks of this blog lately, you get what I actually want. I wanna wake up everyday and write and read and live off of that. That is established, ok.
But obviously, is not that simple.
To make it in these world, doesn't matter if you're talented, or even persistent. Only two things matter:
If you're pretty and/or well-off
Who do you know who can give you a push

I have none of these things.

Now, this work situation have just kicked the ball into the game, but the game is bigger than that. (I felt really american saying that). There's much more to the story.
One thing is, some days ago I read a book on sexual assault. If in one hand it was really deep, because it said things I couldn't say to myself, and that was kind of good (knowing that i'm not alone). But at the same time it was horrible because it brought back things I wanted to forget and that little voice in the back of my head that tells me to hate myself kept screaming "stop being such a f*cktard, it was not fucking rape for motherfucking jesus sake, you were just stupid enough to let yourself get taken advantage of". I hate this voice and would argue if it said the same thing about anyone else. I would claim "Rape is rape! Nothing justify this!"
But since it's me, I just cry "of course, it was my fault, I stupid and deserve to die and suffer."
This really really bothers me and I really wish we didn't live in a rape culture where survivors of rape are made fun of all the time because, seriously, I'm done with being told to "lighten up". I'm gonna punch these people one of these days and scream "who's laughing now???"

Anyway, this is getting to me today.
Another thing getting to me today: eating disorders.

Well, you might say "this is confusing, isn't this what this blog is about?" But, yeah, you know, it wasn't for a long while.

Here's the thing, and pay attention cause I'm gonna say this only once: I gained 20kg over the past three or four years. And to be honest, for quite some time, I didn't care. I like to eat, godammit! What is wrong with that?
But here's the catch: fucking society, man. Fucking society telling me, by the mouths of people I love, that being fat is disgusting and that I'm a lazy loser for not spending every waking moment trying to lose some weight.
I feel crappy about this stuff most of the time, but never like today. Today I really want to lay on the floor and cry for hours and starve myself until I'm like fifty kg thinner, and then I get really hungry and I wanna slap myself in the face and hit my head in the wall until hunger goes away, because the voice - the voice again - keeps saying "You stupid fat cunt! Why are you hungry? Feed on your godamned storage of fat that is in your belly and hips. Stupid whale."
I'm not making this up: this is exactly what the voice tells me. It's what I tell myself when I look in the mirror.

I'm a feminist and this feelings go against everything I believe. But I just can shake it. I feel like I'm on a podium screaming "Equality and liberation for all!" while whispering "Except for me. I'm bad, ugly, stupid and undeserving."

And for being a feminist, I also know what fuels this: self-destruction. I don't wanna be skinny because it's pretty. Society tells us skinny is pretty, but this is because they want us to be decorative lamp-girls, that can't speak or put up a fight or do anything other than standing here like a coat hanger, almost invisible, silent, with our mouths closed, fading away, weakened. I feel like that already with all this depression and disorders, but looking in the mirror tells me I'm wrong - I'm big and ugly and boring and broad and take a lot of space and I gotta get smaller. I gotta disappear.
Sorry if it was too long of a post, but... well, here's the thing. I don't care anymore, about pretty much anything else.
I'll try to get hunger suppressors. I'll exercise and skip meals. I'll try to get thin again the only way that ever worked for me - the destructive way.

8 comentários:

(●•Lia•●) disse...

Ohh vim dizer: Oieee!!!
Quando clico para postar um comentário post novo... mais inglês... meu inglês é péssimo... e estou com preguiça de fazer tradução... não vou tirar onde dizendo que sei inglês e, traduzo bem. NãoooO! Sei uns quebras... kkkk que permitiu viajar para fora do Brasil, mas nada tão bom !!!

Mesmo assim espero que esteja bem!
Beijos!

Marcy! disse...

First of all... about your job, I know how you're feeling now, because I know what I want, but I don1t know how get there. OK, my case is much more simple than yours, because I just want to be a teacher, maybe a professor someday, but I never do my best to get there, and dropped out the college.
And as you can see, my English is not the best, but if I never try again I'll forget completely.

""of course, it was my fault, I stupid and deserve to die and suffer." Desagree... but we can't controll our minds an our feelings so... what can I say?

Fernanda disse...

sinto pela sua infelicidade no trabalho, mas vc não pode largar tudo de mão, afinal de contas vc precisa viver. qual o nome do livro que vc comentou? força, dica se entendi alguma coisa errado, sorry. força

Lovely disse...

Oi Bunny!
Respondendo ao comentário - eu compreendo, de verdade. As vezes eu acho que, na realidade, quero fingir para mim mesma que sou normal e feliz que nem a maioria das pessoas, na tentativa de me tornar uma delas.
Ultimamente, também tenho ataques de pânico todos os dias, principalmente a noite. Só que, diferente de você, nessas horas eu me escondo atrás dos calmantes, ao invés de enfrentar a situação. Sério, eu não economizo na dosagem.

Agora sim, quanto a postagem. Olha, tem partes que eu não entendi, porque estou mal conseguindo ler em português, no momento.
Qual livro você está lendo? Eu fiquei bastante chocada quando li "hoje eu sou Alice" e estou procurando por aquele que você mencionou na postagem passada. Não me entra na cabeça como alguém pode fazer piada desse tipo de situação. Enfia um cano no rabo desses caras, aí eu quero ver se eles dão risada. Bando de idiotas!

O engraçado é que eu emagreço justamente para ir contra ao que é bonito aos olhos sociedade (consequentemente, aos olhos masculinos). É como você disse, eu quero passar desapercebida. Mas ao mesmo tempo isso é um grito, um protesto. Difícil de explicar.

Não sei o que dizer quanto ao resto. Na realidade, eu nunca sei direito o que dizer quando leio as suas postagens, porque não consigo imaginar a dor que deve estar passando. Se eu tento ser otimista, sinto que estou subestimando o seu sofrimento :/ Entende?
Só me resta dizer... Melhoras, de coração.

Beijinhos. Boa semana.

Marilia disse...

Olá meninas,
meu nome é Marilia, e estou aqui para pedir a ajuda de vocês.
Estou fazendo um trabalho sobre anorexia, e precisava fazer algumas perguntas para ( vocês) que entendem sobre assunto. Seria de grande contribuição. :)
Não se preocupem, pois não precisam se identificar, tudo será de forma anônima..
Agradeço desde já pela atenção.

Quem puder contribuir, meu email é:

liliafonseca5@ig.com.br

Se tiverem dúvidas, sintam-se a vontade para perguntar.

Anna Williams disse...

Hey! Nice to read a post in English sometimes! I love it! As for the issues discussed in it, I have to say I believe writing these things down can be helpful to others who have similar circumstances around them. I am not sure if you feel it helps YOU also. I hope it does. When I write I get a load off my chest. I feel like it helps me heal my soul and get rid of some of the sorrows invading each and every room that I enter. I'm not really blogging so much these days, but I'm still feeling the same way I've always felt: afraid of the number 60 on the scale, still staying under 60 and punishing myself every time I eat something (either by exercising or going for a few hours or days without food)... I haven't been blogging for many reasons I wouldn't be able to discuss, but I feel good when I visit other people's blogs and find you girls feeling similar things and what you said on your post about the book making you feel that you're not alone. I am very close to killing Anna Williams and just being me, plain old me. But I miss Anna Williams sometimes. I haven't been on cam on a social camsite or blogged on my safi-anna blog in weeks. I miss that, but I believe what I'm getting in real life is much better for me than what's online. Let's hope I'm right! It was nice seeing your post and I really do hope you feel better and find some kind of inner peace or a compromise between what you want and what you need in life. xooxxoxo Anna Williams

(●•Lia•●) disse...

Espero que esteja bem melhor, desde deste ultimo post!
A nossa sociedade é muito hipócrita mesmo! Mas infelizmente temos que continuar nela... e assim segue a nossa vida!
Por mais que lutemos contra, sempre acabamos vencida por algo que nos impõe!

Abraços,
Lia*

Alie disse...

gotta love dem posts in English. :)
Fim de ano é tempo de olhar para trás, aprender e renovar pensando no futuro. Colocar a casa em ordem, a mente, a vida. Medite durante o dia, reserve um tempo para a introspecção, que vai te ajudar a pensar nesses conflitos e tomar algumas decisões.
Eu diria para você largar esse emprego, assim como qualquer coisa que não agrega mais valor, mas só fazer isso quando estiver com a proposta de outro em mãos.