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segunda-feira, 30 de julho de 2012

Not good enough.

Como demais pra ser anoréxica, de menos pra ser compulsiva. Escrevo demais pra não me considerar escritora, mas com qualidade de menos pra dizer que tenho talento. Durmo demais pra ser insone e de menos pra me manter acordada. Sou gorda demais pra ser considerada padrão, magra demais pra ser considerada gorda. Meus traços são regulares demais pra ser considerada feia, mas estranhos demais pra ser considerada bonita.
Corto demais pra ser considerada sã, corto de menos pra ser considerada doente. Leio demais pra ser hype, leio de menos pra ser nerd.
Falo demais pra ser considerada tímida, falo de menos pra ser popular.
Penso demais nele pra dizer que não é amor, mas por alguma razão, não sei amar direito pra dizer que é.

Sou boa demais pra ser ruim e ainda não sou boa o suficiente mesmo assim.

Depois me dizem que não conheço o caminho do meio. Já não sou nem quente nem fria, sou ambos, sou morna e sou invisível.

sexta-feira, 20 de julho de 2012

olha eu aqui de novo

Aparentemente vou voltar mais, já que nesse momento esse é o unico lugar onde posso escrever oq realmente sinto. Só to começando a achar q vou ter q tirar o "bunny" do nome pq é fácil de identificar. Ou talvez eu tenha q restringir acesso do blog, num sei.
Eu tinha um mais particular, q só eu podia ler, mas agora a pessoa q menos pode ler tem a senha e por mais q saiba q ele não leria de má fé, pode rolar uma curiosidade.
Então, só pra mante-las atualizadas, esse agora é meu unico refúgio. E to entrando em binge. Meu coração partido tem dois estágios - um em que não como nada e outro em que como demais. Agora to indo comer no mc donalds. Espero que a comida aplaque um pouco da tristeza.

quarta-feira, 18 de julho de 2012

Of butterflies and grasshopers (in english, sorry)

I just don't exactly have words lately.
No, that's a lie - I do have. But I feel like I don't.
I'll explain.
Although it is hard, hum.
I don't know exactly what I'm feeling, that's a fact. A week ago I was nervous because I sorta liked someone, and was trying not to. I was promising myself that I wouldn't tell him. I had no intention to do so because:
1) I've done this before and things go downhill when I do;
2) We have this really cool friendship and I rather lie than wreck this - once again.
So, you know, I'm used to misery and excruciating depression, but not to what I feel right now.
Have you ever felt happy and sad at the same time, for the same reason? I haven't. At least until now. I'm guessing it should be cool and comforting - the happiness as a balance to the pain - but is not. It's weird. I don't know this feeling and I don't know how it works.
Well, I did not explain. He guessed on his own and I was so surprised that I just confirmed. And I felt like crap because, surprise, surprise, he loves me as a friend. Well, that's exactly why I wasn't going to tell, because I knew that. And yet, of course you can blame on someone for not loving you back, it's not like you can choose this things.
And honestly, I wouldn't love me too.
Grr, I'm using the "L", word. Ok, let's use "like" instead of "love", ok?
The thing is, although I let myself drown in self-pity for a few good hours - about 19 of them - at some point, it struck me: why was I doing that? I was I acting like a spoiled child who didn't get what she wanted, like he had any obligation to like me, be concerned, to return my feelings. He didn't. And yet, he's my friend, godammit. He is pretty decent about the whole thing, you see.
So, I tried to be ok, and he told me to talk to him, that he would help me. He really tries. And at the moment, I thought I would be ok.
But now... I don't know. Doesn't sound that easy, ya know? I still feel that weird painfull torque on my chest. That heaviness. Like all the tears in the word were transported to my heart. You know that feeling, don't you?
Well. But now it's also fear. Because I know, I know he is a good person, and I know he is better than the "deaceased" also known as "he-who-must-not-be-named", but yet, I also know... I tend to bring up the worst on people.
I used to call it "tsunami factor". But it's not quite that. Tsunami factor is that incontrolable need I have of destroying everything and everyone until everybody can feel my pain but right now the only person I feel I could hurt is my self. Nah, I have stopped the tsunami factor a long time ago.
This is different. Is something darker. Stronger, but much much more subtle.
Like a physical darkness creeping around me, covering me around, making me feel more in the dark now that I'm seeking light. Yeah, I'm seeking light, almost without trying, because love - whatever it is, and I give up avoiding the word - has this strange way of making us wish to be better people, better versions of ourselves. This is something else I never felt before because I always felt like love was about erasing yourself or changing yourself completely for others. This is totally different from what I feel now.
Still, as much as I look for light, I feel this darkness approaching me, consuming me. Like it always did. A daily reminder of why I can't be happy, just like my scars: because I don't deserve it. I will never be worthy. No one will ever love me, and who could possibly love someone so broken, so damaged?
And I have to remind myself - I can't do this to him. Can't bring my darkness over other people as I have done for ages now. I have this horrible talent to find the darkness on others and force them to feel it. I tend to rob their light just because I can't have my own, despite what he says. He said the light I see in him he sees in me - and that's one of the reasons I think he is such a good person, to fool himself about me so easily. Once a friend call me a dementor - never happy always bringing everybody down with me. I never heard a more accurate definition of me.

So, about this strange feelings, I keep feeling like I don't have words, I tell people that I don't speak too much lately because I lack of words to tell what I feel, but that's not true - when I come here to this page everything flow from inside me. I made a new "normal" blog and I notice how hard and informal and wrong I am when I write there, and for a second I thought "what the hell?" but then I noticed - not here. And suddenly I knew what it was showing - because here I don't have to pretend to be someone else. I can be much more serious and formal and lyrical as I trully am, instead of playing the stupid dumb clown that I play to everybody else to pretend I'm ok.
Girls, later I post my url for you, the other blog is a blog for book reviews. I just don't want to link to this one just yet.

Thanks for listening, if you made until here.
Bunny.

PS: I read your comments, people, and I totally read your blogs through reader, and I know I should visit you and comment but I always forget or lack of time. But I love every and each one of you.

segunda-feira, 9 de julho de 2012

Faz tempo né?

Tempo que não conto calorias.
Tempo que não ligo - de verdade - pro meu peso.
Tempo que não sinto necessidade de jogar comida no lixo.
Tempo que não me corto.
Até agora.

Também, não tinha motivo. Fazia tempo tb que não sentia aquele nervosismo no msn, aquela tensão a cada janela q sobe, aquela tristeza quando dá quando é muito além da sua hora de dormir e vc percebe q não vai falar com a pessoa hoje.

Pior é ter que dar o braço a torcer ao psiquiatra, que tinha razão sobre a minha relutância. Eu gosto disso.
Meu primeiro pensamento qdo passei a lâmina na pele e senti aquele tesão, aquela tontura, aquele barato, aquele torpor outra vez, que ao mesmo tempo vem junto com a dor e a angústia, foi "hello, my old friend."
Eu curto isso. Mais q qualquer coisa. Como, realmente, um amigo de longa data.
Mais saudoso que o dito cujo até.

E a verdade? É que eu não quero melhorar, pq é só isso q eu tenho. Só q continua fingindo que quero porque é isso que se espera de mim.