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segunda-feira, 21 de março de 2011

Lonliness is a bitch

I often feel detached from reality, but last few days have been hell on this department. I always feel like crap, but, lately I feel like life can't get any shittier.
Yeah, and I know you'll barely understand my text.
Of course, I ended up on a binge. Well, not a binge. I can say that I ate like "normal" people do. My scale says I lost a little weight on the past week - i was eating 500kcal per day - and all the others say i didn't lost a pound.  I'm choosing to believe in the auspicious one.
But still is like i'm not here.
I work more than ever, but I feel is not enough - yet, i just wanna stay home and forget everything. I have a lot of extra working hours that i could take for free time, but I'm ashamed to ask for it. No matter how much i "deserve", technically. I feel like i shouldn't, never, to ask for my rights. It's like i don't have such thing.
A new girl is going to start to work here this week and i feel awful even before she comes. I saw her the other day and she is really pretty. Not my words - all boys fell for her. This makes me feel horrible.
Because it's like everyone is prettier than me. EVERYONE. I'm so disgusting that guys apparently don't see me as a girl, they talk about girls like i wasn't one. It's not just my mind. Boys talk about girls in front of girls like they were princesses, but they talk to other guys like they were pieces of meat. They talk about this girl to me like she was a piece of meat.
I feel like i could lock myself inside of me and never leave. I don't wanna think about weight, nor good looking, and also, i don't wanna think about work and university. I wanna spend days on bed, with lots of food and tv series downloaded on my notebook.
But in order to afford food and Internet, i have to work. So I work six days a week to enjoy the fruits of my labor only on Sundays.
Thank God for Sundays.
(Almost feeling like god, ya know? In the seventh day he rested.)

I have to feel alone in the crowd. Modernists would say that i suffer from the evil of modern ages - everything so new, so fast, late modernity, and people going further and further into themselves. As i've said before, everything that comes to the soul, nowadays is considered "soppy".
Loving, missing, suffering, it's not soppy, it's human. But being human became soppy too.
So, paraphrasing Poe, I'm the woman in the crowd. I'm totally alone, but i keep walking, without really seeing people, just pretending i'm not alone.
It's like a constant bleeding. I feel terribly alone, I wanna people to see it, but no one does. It's like to scream to your last breath and not to be heard.
But it's worse, because no one cares.
See, I don't blame them. I wouldn't if i were them. To care, I mean. They tried to help, on their ways, but i couldn't take it.
I don't think i deserve, and they know it. So they gave up.
And how could i explain that Ilike to suffer, but only because I'm sure I deserve?
I always wanted someone to tell me that i didn't without me having to explain.
Here I go up to 9p.m. at work. No, I didn't ask for that extra free time i could ask.

2 comentários:

Bia - disse...

Acho que entendi o texto rs
Ou pelo menos uma boa parte dele. Não sou nenhuma fluente em Inglês e vc aí escrevendo em Inglês, me matando de inveja rs.

Bom, os fatos são:

1)Post vai, post vem... Ânimo, mulher!! \o/
2)Nada a ver essa parada de homens falando com a gente como se fôssemos outros homens. Eu tenho amigos que falam dessa maneira comigo (como se eu fosse um homem - o que inclui, entre outras coisas, ficar apontando mulher na rua e dizer o quando são "gostosas") e outros que nem pensam em fazer isso. A diferença é que os primeiros são amigões mesmo, os últimos "amigos", colegas. Além é claro, de ser minha culpa. Afinal de contas eles sabem que se fizerem isso (falar comigo como se eu fosse um homem) eu aparentemente não fico sentida (algumas vezes fico sim, mas nem sempre). Acho que é só isso. Não tem nada a ver com aparência. E eu acho isso legal, no final de tudo.
3)Em vez de tentar desesperadamente despertar sentimento de pena nos outros, levante das cinzas e melhore para você.

Beijões ENORMES ♥♥♥
Fica bem ;D

Anônimo disse...

lute por seus objetivos! Acredite em vc!! Força amore!! beijos