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quarta-feira, 17 de novembro de 2010

Time

I keep telling myself, there's plenty of time. Time for living and working and loving and producing. Time to be loved.
She's 35, and just now she got a husband, a love. That guy, he was 65 when he wrote his first book, after retiring and the he won a Pulitzer.
But I'm not them.
E. is 20 years old and already won a prize for her publications. K. is 23 (?) and is happily married for a long time now.
And me....
Sometimes I think I'm waiting for someone to save me. Sometimes I'm sure of it. I never loved him, maybe, I'm sure I did. Goddess, who could cope with a mind like that? Neither can I.
The thing is, the more I wait, more I get sure that there's nothing to wait for. I know, I know, no editor will come to my home one day and say "excuse me, you are the writer of those wonderful short stories and poems? Have you ever thought about writing a novel? God, you're awesome. Write for my publishing house, please, I'm begging. Here's a three million dollar contract for your first book when you finish. But no rush, take your time, I know I can't rush art."
Ok, ok, what a trip, I know.
But I know that this is what I'm waiting for, or anything like that (doesn't have to be a three million contract, but some acknowledgement would be nice).
I'm waiting for a guy to look at me in the library and ask himself what I'm reading. To approach me. To come to the conclusion that I have to be the mother of his future children, because even though I look weird and talk little, although I have lots of scars and say stupid things when I'm nervous, I'm nice and kind and funny in my rare good days.
This is the point where normal people would say "Ok, but why don't you go pursuing your dreams? They won't knock on your door."
Well, I know that. I also know that I'm afraid to try and get disappointed. I don't think I'm a good writer, but I don't want a editor or professional writer or anyone to tell me that. I know I'll never find someone to love me (and for me to love back) but up to now I can claim that I'm not trying. And if I try and keep alone, I'll have no excuses for my lack of competence.
**************
I just got a call from a place where I applied for a teacher position. I'm scared and wanna cry. I know it sound stupid, but it's because I don't know what to do. If I pass on the interview, should I quit here? I've done this before and was horrible. The few times I tried to rebel, was hell (non-intentional rhyme). The first was on the Justice Court where I was morally harassed (I don't know if this expression exists, but anyway) and I thought that if I keep there one more day I would go crazy (er). I went thru two weeks of despair and my mom telling me how I should get a job faster (I never told her that I quited, I said I was dismissed). Then I got the job on the bookstore, and after Christmas times  - think about it: megastore+mall+rich bitches+Christmas/consumerism time = unhappy employees - then I decided to leave for an internship at the Account Court (???) but it failed, and I had to face my mom with the fact that I was unemployed  - Me, who sustain the house, who pay the bills. And she's the one who got mad. Sure, I can always count on her to make me feel worse.
A few days later - almost a month - I got a job here. My vacations on January are scheduled, and I realised that what I really don't like in here is the payment. At the same time, I know I need something to hold on for when I (hopefully) finish college. I'm not sure of what to do. I'm scared of changes, I'm scared of taking risks.
I'm afraid of living.
That's why I miss those days when all I cared about was calories. Or calories and him. I could deal with all the rest to finish sooner and then be able to think about it. And one may think that I was careless, much more than today, because as calories and R. took all my thoughts, I wouldn't be able to handle my work and academic life, but the truth is that I was much more focused. See, I was so obsessed that I wouldn't be bothered by anything else, so the rest was going fine. Now that I don't have him or my ED to hold on, my obsessions turned to everyday life and this is hell.
******************
Today I was planning to eat just breakfast (cookies and Coffee and milk). Then, at the Downtown I bought a McFlurry. I eat almost it all and gave the rest to a homeless guy who asked me. Anyway, I was thinking of purging.... so I couldn't be selfish. But I still felt a little pain in seeing the homeless going alway with my ice cream :(  When I was almost here, I providentially "forget" my commitment of not eating all the time when I'm not home and bought chips and a coke. Now I'm hungry again. As things can always get worse, I'm on my period, which makes me look even fatter than anyone could imagine.
Honestly, I don't think I can lose weight anymore. As I said in the beggining, There's a part of me that is waiting on a miracle that will never come. There's a part of me that waits to go to sleep and wake up the next day as a thinner meg cabot (younger too. She looks younger than she is, but I look old with 22. Can you imagine how I will look like when I'm 43? I don't want to). I wish I could be like Anna Williams when I turn to her age (sorry, I forgot. 37?) But the thing is, I don't wanna get 30, I wanna die sooner.

Ok, enough, I should be working. See you soon!

(Roxy, eu li seu post mas meu pc é problemático. Não comentei até o presente momento, mas assim q der comento, juro!)

6 comentários:

Anna Williams disse...

Don't go dying on me , sister!!!!!!!! I know that the overly optimistic POLLYANNA crap doesn't work for everyone, but let me tell you this: I have been down in the dumps and felt as though I'd never find true happiness or true meaning to myself. I was feeling like that at a time when there was no internet , all I had were my vinyl records to comfort me. I cried myself to sleep many nights hoping to never wake up. I look back and I'm glad I did wake up. I hope you feel better somehow soon... If I were you, I'd quit the job you have now if you get a call back on your interview. I wish you all the luck in the world:-)

Roxy disse...
Este comentário foi removido pelo autor.
Roxy disse...

Amor *O*
Muito obrigada pela sua presença em meu blog, viu.?
Desculpe-me não comentar o seu post... Mas é que não sei muito inglês e traduzi seu post pelo tradutor... E bem, vc sabe como é tradutor online, não traduz nada com nada U_u Ahahahaha

Mas te desjo tudo de bom e um ótimo fim de semana. E pesso desculpas mais uma vez por não poder fazer um comentário decente
=(

Mas prometo realizar um comentário decente no próximo pst ;)
Tea doro <3
E obrigada pela força *O*



Kisses, Roxy. ♥

Lola disse...

Oiiee
poxa,q situação hein.. ainda bem q vc não vê a "mulé do teu" ...eu além de ver,tenho q tratar muito bem,pois do contrário,vou ferrar com a vida dele neh,e eu não quero isso,até porque não o quero pra mim,foi só um troço q aconteceu,sem grandes sentimentos,embora essa semana mesmo ele disse que me ama e muito.Affs.. vá entender...
mas como eh q vc xinga a mulé' do teu e ela fica sabendo??Ela sabe q vcs tem uma história??
ME CONTA ISSO QUERIDA!!
BejoO

Anna Williams disse...

Sim pode usar:-)

(●• LIA •●) disse...

*_* estuve aquii...masssssssss

Espero que esteja bem!

Abraços!