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quinta-feira, 10 de junho de 2010


I'm so tired of feeling sorry for myself.
I hate this, this self sorrow makes me hate me more.
I'm so tired of blaming him, because I know is useless saying that this is love, when everyone can see that is more about losing than loving.
I'm so tired of hating her, because I am so sure that she is not good for him, but when I see the look in their eyes, how can I believe myself? What if she's right - what if I'm just envious?
Not jealousy, envious. For jealous need love, and envy need desire.
And of course, anyone knows I want what she have. A good life, a good body, and her husband - i can't say if his is good, or this will be more painful than now. But loving him? How can I say that I love someone if I never knew love before? My notion of love is twisted and damaged.really.
I how can I expect to be loved when I can't love myself? If I think I can't love myself for I do not deserve my own love, then I can I say about everyone around?

And maybe is not love... is just... that I need to blame somebody. I need to crave somebody. I need to feel this mad and devilish love, and the hate and disgrace with it, so I can feel something. Otherwise, I don't feel anything.
I'm just like an empty shell.
Just a cocoon. With no life inside it.

Then what the hell i'm still doing here?
I believe completely that no one will read this anymore. I believe people are interested on me cause I'm not so.
And I am doing it again: I making this blog a diary of how much I miss him.
Then why I keep this blog, my goodness? Haven't I learnt my lesson about confessing on internet what I should confess to the dead paper?

Course I have the answer.
The only reason is because I have this fantasy that he knows the blog and he reads it. And in this fantasy, he cares about me and feel for me, and get worried about me. I can't send him messages at 3a.m. to say how I need him - for bad or for good, anyway - then I write here.

If it's true, I'm sorry for being who I am so you can't love me.
I'm really sorry.

I'm trying to figure out how to end this.
When I do it, I make sure you know that I'm setting you free.

4 comentários:

Anna Williams disse...

Everyone's concept of love is different. Envy and Jealousy walk sometimes hand in hand. I love what you wrote and I wish I could say something remotely interesting or relevant to you right now, but only you can heal the wounds you have right now.

Cristal* disse...

How, I see myself in this, like I would be writing ir.
You have to love yourself to love someone else, and I really don't know if it's true, if yes I'm really pour.
Have a nice day.

*Dora* disse...

I just love what you wrote, it's very sensitive and sincere.
I dont know if you love him or just dont accept the fact that you lost him. Anyway, try to take care of yourself: love yourself in the first place.


Lady Psychosis disse...

well, =/

I wanna say something to make you feel better, but there wasn't much to say.

Get well :)